Est. 2019 · Hosted somewhere in Lower Saxony
Scheisse Cloud delivers genuinely enterprise-grade infrastructure at a leisurely pace from a single unventilated room above a bakery. Industry-leading invoicing. Occasional compute. A 36-month minimum term, because we believe in commitment.
No free tier · No trial · No refunds · No exceptions
Trusted by teams who signed before reading
p50 response time
14203ms
↑ trending upward
Requests dropped today
418206
↑ steadily
Tickets unanswered
9841
since 2021
Invoices issued
2077431
↑ our fastest system
Uptime this month
71.4%
target met
Everything a modern engineering organisation needs, provided slowly and billed promptly. All services are generally available. Availability is not guaranteed.
Compute
A single shared vCPU, time-sliced fairly across 340 tenants. Bursts to 1.02× baseline for up to four seconds per calendar month. Instances are provisioned by hand, in order of invoice size.
Storage
Object storage with eventual consistency. Eventually. Eleven nines of intent. Your objects are stored on two drives that were manufactured in the same batch and are failing at the same rate.
Database
A fully managed PostgreSQL 9.4 instance. Managed by Klaus. Backups run nightly and have never been tested.
Edge
Two global edge locations, both located in the same building. Requests are routed to whichever one is currently plugged in.
Intelligence
A 0.4B-parameter foundation model that has learned, after extensive training, to reply "yes". Inference runs at 1.4 tokens per minute on a CPU we found.
Security
Enterprise secrets management with full audit logging. Secrets are encrypted at rest and delivered to your team by unencrypted email, so you always know where they are.
Observability
Metrics, logs and traces in one unified pane of glass. Metrics are sampled at 0.4% and retained for eleven minutes. Log ingestion is billed per character, including whitespace, which we encourage you to consider carefully.
Time to first byte, median of 10,000 requests, EU region, static 4 KB payload. We are pleased to report that Scheisse Cloud produced the largest number in every category we tested.
★ Industry leadingBenchmark conducted internally by Scheisse Cloud GmbH. Methodology available on request, in person, in Wolfsburg. Bar not to scale; it did not fit.
Vorspeise
For teams testing our patience
€2,499/ month
36-month minimum term
Hauptgang
For teams that have given up
€14,999/ month
36-month minimum term · non-cancellable
Nachspeise
For organisations beyond help
Let's talk
At length · in person · in Wolfsburg
All prices exclude VAT, the €12,000 onboarding fee, the €12,000 offboarding fee, and a
per-ticket surcharge of €89.
Egress is billed per gigabyte, per direction. Ingress is also billed, as a matter of principle.
Prices are reviewed monthly and have only ever moved in one direction.
We stand behind our platform with one of the industry's most carefully worded uptime guarantees. Service credits are applied to your next invoice, which will be larger.
Claims must be submitted within four hours
of an incident you were not notified about.
| Monthly uptime | Credit | How to claim |
|---|---|---|
| ≥ 71.4% | 0% | Target met. No action required. |
| 50.0% – 71.4% | 2% | Web form (currently offline). |
| 20.0% – 50.0% | 5% | Registered post, in German. |
| < 20.0% | 10% | In person, Wolfsburg, weekdays 11:00–11:30. |
| 0% | — | Total outage is excluded as force majeure. |
We are contractually obliged to describe this experience as positive. It has been a positive experience.
The invoice arrives on the first of every month without fail. It is, by a considerable margin, the most reliable part of the platform.
I opened a ticket in March. I remain hopeful. If anyone reads this, we are still on Postgres 9.4.
No.
Yes. Cancellation is available at the end of your 36-month term, in writing, by fax, with 90 days' notice. Our fax number is available in the support portal, which is currently unavailable.
Somewhere in the building. We are fairly confident it is on the second floor. Data residency guarantees are available on the Nachspeise tier, where we will confirm the floor in writing.
We offer a 24/7 support portal. The portal is available 24 hours a day and has been down for seven months. Klaus is generally reachable between 11:00 and 11:30, except on Fridays, when he is performing maintenance.
Egress is billed at €4.80/GB, so most customers find that migration costs more than staying. This is not an accident. It is our retention strategy, and it is extremely effective.
Our founders wanted a name that set expectations honestly and up front. In eleven years of operation, not one customer has told us the name was misleading.
No. This is a parody. There is no company, no compute, no Klaus, and nothing here is for sale. Any resemblance to your actual cloud bill is entirely coincidental and probably worth looking into.
Get started
Leave your email and a member of our commercial team will contact you at a time that suits us. Bring a decision-maker and a signed budget.